I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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