this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize