You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
