I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
