the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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