like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
