i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
