I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
