im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
FUCK WHALES
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
