1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
me + whiskey = a bad person
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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