Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
