What a fucking waste of an outfit
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
