he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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