everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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