I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
