What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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