he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
