Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
