dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
farters have to be the big spoon...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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