The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
