So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
