Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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