Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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