Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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