but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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