highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
