so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
