You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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