I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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