I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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