After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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