I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
