I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
