I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
