Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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