just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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