It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
