Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
