totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
