I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
