I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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