I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
