Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I am spending my child support on dildos
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
