12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
