i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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