Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
