I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
