nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He shit in the fireplace
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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