I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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