Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
