I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
