the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
