I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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