Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
