Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
