I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
