I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
