I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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