I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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