btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
